The Crappy Things in Life
At some point in your life, you will have to start taking pleasure in the little things, because the big things have become a horrible trainwreck of blood, and tears, and twisted metal. When you do come to that moment, I want you to remember this blotry, because it will help you get through the dark times. I'm not saying this point is coming soon, but it is coming, and I want you to be prepared for it.
For myself, my life now revolves around pooping. It's what I live for. When I'm not doing it, I wish I were. When I am pooping, I say, "Boy this sure is a fun activity. I'm glad I'm alive and not dead, because if I were dead, I wouldn't be able to poop!" Personally, I think pooping is God's greatest gift to humanity. Now matter how rich or how poor, how black or how white, how awesome or how totally lame, everyone poops. And everyone enjoys pooping. Pooping is something we can all get behind. Except starving children in Africa. They don't have anything to poop out. Because...they're starving. But other than that everyone poops, and everyone likes it. Well except, I imagine, people with hemorrhoids and other various and sundry anal inflamations and swellings. But those two groups aside, starving African children and hemorrhoidal people, and perhaps also hemorroidal African children, everyone poops and everyone is celebrating it.
Pooping is just something that makes people happy. It gives us a feeling of accomplishment. We've done something meaningful with our lives by expelling waste and maintaining our bodily functions. Sure it's not much, but it's something. And really, isn't that all we are in the end? The poo we pooped out? I think so. I think so.
In order to commemorate our common poophood, I felt it would be appropriate to name and classify various poops, that we might better understand our ubiquitous neighbor to the south.
1. Long John Silver
This poop is, despite popular misconception, named for its length rather than its color. It is, like most poops, brown to brownish-green or brownish-black in complexion.
Long John Silver is so named because of its seemingly interminable length. It just keeps on comin'. I personally enjoy a good Long John now and again, although they do take a bit more effort to expel than your regular bog-standard poo. Overall, the Long John Silver is a dependable, if slightly uninspired, poop.
Poop rating: 3/4
2. 21-Gun Salute
The 21-Gun salute is characterized by the rapid fire feel associated with its expulsion. It comes out in heavy, discrete bursts. Although the experience of the 21-Gun Salute can be gratifying and inspire strong feelings of patriotism, it can also be somewhat uncomfortable, depending on the number of volleys and the caliber of ammunition. An unusual poop, but not unwelcome.
Poop rating: 3/4
3. Bruce Willis
Named for the hero who destroyed a civilization-ending asteroid. Although that doesn't make too much sense because the poop really takes after the asteroid more than it does Bruce Willis. Like the asteroid of Armageddon, the Bruce Willis tends to be civilization ending. If you're lucky, a plucky team of astronauts and deep-oil drillers may be able to break the poop up into more manageable chunks which will disintegrate in earth's atmosphere, but most likely, it's all coming out at once. And it's not pretty.
Poop rating: 1/4
4. Old Man River
Old man river, that old man river,
He don't say nothin', but he must know somethin'
That old man river, he just keeps rolling along.
He don't plant tater's,
and we all know he don't pick cotton.
But them that plant 'em, are soon forgotten, that
Old man river, he just keeps rolling along, oh yes he does.
You and me, we sweat and toil,
Our bodies all achin' and racked with pain, now listen!
Poop rating: 2/4
5. Fart-Poo
Fart-Poo is a combination of a poo and a fart all rolled into one. This is something of a double-edged sword, however. While fart-poo has the distinction of combining the sense of self worth that accompanies a good dump with the grim satisfaction of smelling one's one fart, it also can prove highly embarassing. In a public restroom situation, the fart-poo has the dubious distinction of combining the pungent odor of a big poo with the audio of a loud, juicy fart. It's not easy to meet someone's gaze upon exiting your stall if you've just produced a fart-poo. Potentially the most powerful of poos, but also the most dangerous.
Poop rating: Varies between 1 and 4 of 4.
In conclusion, poop, or poo as it is sometimes known, is one of life's greatest gifts. We all poop, but we don't usually think much about it, much less talk about it. Well, except for me, obviously. I hope that the next time you're on the john, you'll say a little "thank-you" to our friend, the poop.
At some point in your life, you will have to start taking pleasure in the little things, because the big things have become a horrible trainwreck of blood, and tears, and twisted metal. When you do come to that moment, I want you to remember this blotry, because it will help you get through the dark times. I'm not saying this point is coming soon, but it is coming, and I want you to be prepared for it.
For myself, my life now revolves around pooping. It's what I live for. When I'm not doing it, I wish I were. When I am pooping, I say, "Boy this sure is a fun activity. I'm glad I'm alive and not dead, because if I were dead, I wouldn't be able to poop!" Personally, I think pooping is God's greatest gift to humanity. Now matter how rich or how poor, how black or how white, how awesome or how totally lame, everyone poops. And everyone enjoys pooping. Pooping is something we can all get behind. Except starving children in Africa. They don't have anything to poop out. Because...they're starving. But other than that everyone poops, and everyone likes it. Well except, I imagine, people with hemorrhoids and other various and sundry anal inflamations and swellings. But those two groups aside, starving African children and hemorrhoidal people, and perhaps also hemorroidal African children, everyone poops and everyone is celebrating it.
Pooping is just something that makes people happy. It gives us a feeling of accomplishment. We've done something meaningful with our lives by expelling waste and maintaining our bodily functions. Sure it's not much, but it's something. And really, isn't that all we are in the end? The poo we pooped out? I think so. I think so.
In order to commemorate our common poophood, I felt it would be appropriate to name and classify various poops, that we might better understand our ubiquitous neighbor to the south.
1. Long John Silver
This poop is, despite popular misconception, named for its length rather than its color. It is, like most poops, brown to brownish-green or brownish-black in complexion.
Long John Silver is so named because of its seemingly interminable length. It just keeps on comin'. I personally enjoy a good Long John now and again, although they do take a bit more effort to expel than your regular bog-standard poo. Overall, the Long John Silver is a dependable, if slightly uninspired, poop.
Poop rating: 3/4
2. 21-Gun Salute
The 21-Gun salute is characterized by the rapid fire feel associated with its expulsion. It comes out in heavy, discrete bursts. Although the experience of the 21-Gun Salute can be gratifying and inspire strong feelings of patriotism, it can also be somewhat uncomfortable, depending on the number of volleys and the caliber of ammunition. An unusual poop, but not unwelcome.
Poop rating: 3/4
3. Bruce Willis
Named for the hero who destroyed a civilization-ending asteroid. Although that doesn't make too much sense because the poop really takes after the asteroid more than it does Bruce Willis. Like the asteroid of Armageddon, the Bruce Willis tends to be civilization ending. If you're lucky, a plucky team of astronauts and deep-oil drillers may be able to break the poop up into more manageable chunks which will disintegrate in earth's atmosphere, but most likely, it's all coming out at once. And it's not pretty.
Poop rating: 1/4
4. Old Man River
Old man river, that old man river,
He don't say nothin', but he must know somethin'
That old man river, he just keeps rolling along.
He don't plant tater's,
and we all know he don't pick cotton.
But them that plant 'em, are soon forgotten, that
Old man river, he just keeps rolling along, oh yes he does.
You and me, we sweat and toil,
Our bodies all achin' and racked with pain, now listen!
Poop rating: 2/4
5. Fart-Poo
Fart-Poo is a combination of a poo and a fart all rolled into one. This is something of a double-edged sword, however. While fart-poo has the distinction of combining the sense of self worth that accompanies a good dump with the grim satisfaction of smelling one's one fart, it also can prove highly embarassing. In a public restroom situation, the fart-poo has the dubious distinction of combining the pungent odor of a big poo with the audio of a loud, juicy fart. It's not easy to meet someone's gaze upon exiting your stall if you've just produced a fart-poo. Potentially the most powerful of poos, but also the most dangerous.
Poop rating: Varies between 1 and 4 of 4.
In conclusion, poop, or poo as it is sometimes known, is one of life's greatest gifts. We all poop, but we don't usually think much about it, much less talk about it. Well, except for me, obviously. I hope that the next time you're on the john, you'll say a little "thank-you" to our friend, the poop.
posted by Michael at 12:52 AM
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