When you come right down to it, I would probably rape Emma Watson (but please don't call the police)

STATUTORY RAPE OK?! Jesus, sometimes you people. I mean, that's not such a crime is it? Well, actually it's a capital felony, but really there are worse things in the world. Did you know Great Britain's age of consent is 16? Which means, as of this writing, we're exactly 137 days away from legal intercourse. And that's just great news.

I mean seriously how can I fail? Look at the competition I'm up against:
Daniel Radcliffe obviously can't keep his wandering eyes from young Emma's burgeoning bust, but he's got the acting ability of a plank of wood. Not even a big plank of wood, mind, I'm talking about a pretty small plank. And it's not even well sanded, it's got holes and knots in it and stuff. Sure, he probably knows some black satanic magic, but c'mon. This is the guy who's so awkward he couldn't even ask out not-that-hot-but-made-50-times-hotter-by-her-unexpected-Scottish-accent Cho Chang. Now I realize my inability to separate ficticious characters from the actors who portray them has probably become disturbing (as if an article about rape weren't disturbing enough), so I'm gonna move on.

And that guy plays Ron Weasley? I don't even know his name, he's that insignificant. I will squash him like puny bug he is. But if I remember my chronology correctly, in the Order of the Phoenix, Ron and Hermoine have an incredibly hot, graphic sex scene involving at least five bodily fluids, thirteen sexual positions, and a small shetland pony. Then they finish off with a donkey punch. Haha, donkey punch. Obviously, I must kill him before such a scene is filmed.

Anyhoo, as I was saying, how I can fail? My only real opposition is sexy sexy Ralph Fiennes, who for some reason pronounces his name "Ray." If that pisses Emma off a tenth as much as it does me, he's doomed. Plus I remember him eating Ed Norton in Red Dragon, which was pretty dick of him. AND I heard at one point he took to shooting Jews from his balcony. Or was that in a movie? Either way, the guy's a douche. And Emma's got class.

Oh, I almost forgot. Stanislav Ianveski. Viktor Krum. This guy's a total brick.
I don't know guys, I think he might squash me like puny bug. Between those gigantic slabs of meat that he calls hands. At one point is the movie, he turns around, stares into the camera (into your soul) and says, "You haff no business here. This tent for champions." In the most hardcore accent you can imagine. Jesus.

So, maybe Emma and I won't be getting together. Well, I can always settle for Fleur. She's hot, French, and legal. Well, she's a little weird looking I guess. But she has pretty nice boobs. Boobs in motion here. Um, there are boobs in this video, so don't watch it if boobs freak you out. You gay. I think the guy in this video must be a gay too.

At this point, I realize I've written two Harry Potter themed blog posts, but the first one involved perverted sexual deviance, and this one involved...perverted...sexual...deviance. Ok, well they're similar, but come on. Sirius Black boning Remus Lupin is lightyears removed from hot Emma Watson. Right?