Hundred Acre Wood: Arcadian glen or den of madness?

Yeah, it's a den of madness.

Ahh, the Hundred Acre Wood, inhabited by whimsical characters like Piglet, Rabbit, and the unfortunately monikered Winnie "the Pooh." Honestly, that's easily the worst nickname I've ever heard. I'm told he acquired the appellation from the sound he makes when he exhales quickly, but clearly no one thought it through very much, and now Winnie the Pooh (no-one ever calls him just Winnie) is saddled with a name that instantly conjures up images of everyone's favorite bodily waste. Urine, I think we can all agree, is a distant second. I don't think this is an entirely bad thing, mind, because a nice long poop is one of the few things that I can still look forward to in the grotesque carnival of tears that is my life, but nevertheless, poo is not one of the things you ought to bring up in polite company. Christopher Robin has even resorted to referring to Winnie simply as "Pooh" or "Pooh Bear" with unintentionally hilarious results. Just call him Fecal Matter Bear and be done with it.

Anyway, to my central thesis: every denizen of the Hundred Acre Wood is suffering from a serious developmental or psychological malady and must be treated immediately!

Winnie "the Poo"

Symptoms: Patient presents with an total inability to grasp basic abstract concepts. When administered a standardized IQ test, the patient ate the provided pen, defecated on the floor, and fell asleep. Patient is also commonly referred to by his friends as a "bear of very little brain." Once became trapped in his own house when chronic overconsumption of honey caused him to become lodged in his own door. Had to be extracted by fire personnel and paramedic first responders, at considerable cost to the state. In another incident, he attempted to use a balloon to reach a beehive, apparently failing to grasp basic principles of buoyancy and gravity. Fell approximately 40 feet, suffering a serious head injury.
Diagnosis: The patient probably suffers from some kind of congenital retardation, most probably Down Syndrome, further exacerbated by the aforementioned head trauma.
Prognosis: Left untreated, the patient will probably either starve to death or drown in his own bodily wastes. We recommend he be remanded to a state care facility, where he can be taught basic skills. Given the profundity of the patient's retardation, we doubt he will ever be able to enter the workforce or live unsupervised. Nonetheless, we are confident he can still lead a full and fulfilling life, likely to be primarily occupied by staring at a wall and muttering incoherently to himself.

Tigger

Symptoms: Patient presents with extreme hyperactivity and inability to engage in conversation. 500cc of air-rifle delivered Ketamine had to be administered to the patient in order to ensure cooperation during interview process. Patient remained mostly incoherent during the interview, raving about being composed of "rubber and string." When administered standard dose of Ritalin, patient became extremely calm and passive.
Diagnosis: Patient likely suffers from Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder.
Prognosis: We recommend double daily standard dose of Ritalin to be administered by trained physician's assistant. We also suspect that patient's hyperactivity may partially be a result of pent-up sexual tension, which is to be expected, given that the he has taken to loudly proclaiming that he is the last of his species. His cries of "I'm the only one!" are more probably analogous to "Oh God, my race dies with me, why struggle on in the face of the inexorable bleak specter of death?" Given that this situation is unlikely to resolve itself, mandatory castration, including full removal of penis and testes, is recomended. Unfortunately, thus far, we have been unable to locate reproductive organs of any kind; the patient's body appears to be composed of synthetic fur and fabric.

Eeyore

Symptoms: Scars just above hooves suggest several abortive suicide attempts, which likely failed because the patient is, like the other animals treated, mostly composed of leather and cotton stuffing. Other attempted suicides included a drowning (failed because patient has no lungs), a hanging (failed because patient has no lungs), and an overdose of pain medication (failed because patient has no internal organs of any kind.) Patient is fascinated by death imagery. Extremely lethargic, with labored speech patterns. Enjoys listening to Dashboard Confessional and Taking Back Sunday. Wears sweaters, tight-fitting jeans, scarves, and dark square rimmed glasses.
Diagnosis: Patient suffers from some form of clinical depression.
Prognosis: Left untreated, the patient will likely stumble upon some form of suicide that will actually prove effective, most likely self-immolation or use of high explosive. We recommend a cocktail of Zoloft, Prozac, and Zyprexa, along with intensive rounds of talk-therapy. However, it must be noted that although in most cases a patient with depression suffers from unjustified feelings of worthlessness, weakness, and loneliness, Eeyore is actually a worthless, weak individual who doesn't deserve to have any friends.

Piglet

Symptoms: Upon reaching the patient's residence, the interviewer was immediately attacked by a two foot high creature wielding a kitchen knife and bellowing unintelligibly about shapeshifting alien helicopters from beyond the moon. The interviewer easily overpowered his diminutive assailant, and he soon determined that the attacker was Piglet himself. After the patient was administered a sedative, it was discovered that the patient routinely experiences vivid hallucinations, visions, and hears "voices." Additionally, experiences spasms and tremors of the limbs and torso.
Diagnosis: Patient suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia.
Prognosis: The severity of the patient's delusions rules out any use of therapy or standard medications. Electroshock therapy would seem to be the best route, but the patient's body, unlike most organisms, contains extreme low levels of water or other semi conductive materials. Therefore, we recommend a full frontal lobotomy. Although this will no doubt render the patient a drooling moron, given the mental faculties of his peers, no one is likely to notice much change.

Upon initial analysis, it appears the Hundred Acre Wood is a breeding ground for madness, retardation, and other mental maladies. Preliminary diagnoses indicate that Rabbit may be suffering from Antisocial Disorder, Owl from Asperger's Syndrome or Autism, and Roo may have an Oedipus Complex (where's his father?!) Although most of the denizens will never lead "happy" or "productive" lives, we can rest assured that modern medicine provides us with the capability to shoot them full of so many mind altering drugs, they will essentially be reduced to semi-mobile sacks of chemicals. Huzzah!