Funny thing about the Internet is, everything is porn.
Now, I don't mean that all that's on the Internet is classifiable as pornography. Certainly, you would be hard pressed to call the delightful joyofbaking.com (created by Stephaine Jaworski) porn. And, barring extreme sexual perversion, spongebobworld.com is also probably not porn.
So then, how can I, as a rational man, make the astonishing claim that on the Internet, everything is porn? Well, because it is.
Let's try an experiment. Open up your favorite web browser. Navigate your way over to Google Image Search. Now, make sure no one else is in the room. Clear? Good. Type Remus Lupin into the search bar.
Remus Lupin. An innocuous enough choice. A supporting character from the delightful Harry Potter series. How could Harry's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, third year, possibly be connected to porn?
We're about to go through the looking glass here, people.
Click the search button, or just hit enter if you're feeling randy. Now, what do we have here? Oh look, a screen capture of David Thewlis as Professor Lupin in the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. That's normal. It seems reasonable that such an image would come up. What else? Hmm, quite a few anime-ish looking returns. That's a little strange I suppose but...OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT? I'll give you a few minutes to wash your eyes with soap and sudsy water. Done? Clean? Your eyes may be cleansed, but I'm afraid no mortal soap can ever free you from the image now burned into the cortices of your brain. Yes, as of the time of this writing, the third return for an image search of Remus Lupin does appear to be a pencil sketch of Sirius Black and Remus himself engaging in homosexual intercourse. With penises. Missionary position, although I'll admit I didn't look at it long enough to determine who was in the superior, Remus or Sirius. I bet it's Sirius, that rapscallion.
How does a rational person react to such a thing? What am I to think? What are we, as human beings, to do when Remus Lupin and Sirius Black have gay sex? Should I have gay sex with you? Is that what this sketch is saying? But no. In a world gone mad, the last thing we ought to do is have gay sex with Harry Potter characters. Well, actually, the last thing we ought to do is have sex with Aragorn and Legolas, but Harry Potter sex is up there on the list of things we ought not do.
It's up there.
We can remain rational. We must remain rational.
The Remus/Lupin drawing belongs to a category of art called slash fiction, which wikipedia defines as "...ficition in which one or more media characters is involved in a homosexual relationship as a primary plot element." Hence the slash in Slash Ficition. Remus/Lupin. Aragorn/Legolas. Spongebob/Mr. Crabs. I hope to God the last one isn't real. But it might be. By all the angels in heaven and all the devils in hell, it might be. According to Wikipedia, Snape/Lupin slash is so popular, it has a name: snupin.
Through the looking glass, indeed.
What's interesting about this slash stuff is that it's extremely popular among women. The Lupin sketch which haunts our waking and dreaming was drawn by a woman. Is this the equivalent of the male obsession with lesbianism? Who knows. These are the deeper mysteries of the world.
Which brings me back to my original assertion. Everything on the internet is porn. There's Halo porn. There's The Simpsons Porn. Futurama porn is quite popular; apparently Leela's ocular handicap is something of a fetish for some. Rescue Rangers porn. Remember the Rescue Rangers? Remember that catchy theme song? Well, now you too can pleasure yourself to Chip and Dale getting it on.
But that's neither here nor there. Who finds this appealing? Why would a woman want to see Severus Snape hump Lucius Malfoy? Why would a man prefer Monterey Jack bone Gadget to depictions of real humans doing the same? To each other I mean, not to Gadget.
On the Internet, everything is porn. Everything, every character from every fiction ever created, has engaged in a sex act somewhere on the Internet. Yes, even Winnie the Pooh. I've seen it. Don't ask how or why, but I have. And it's like looking into a pit without a bottom, a vast unending chasm of darkness. Something like that, it changes you. I don't wish that on anyone.
But the point stands. Of course, some of this must be done in jest, the visual equivalent of The Aristocrats. Yet some of it is surely in earnest. But are people who are aroused by this really worse than the rest of us? Some guys like dominatrixes, and some guys like April and the Ninja Turtles. And maybe they walk among us like regular people, only revealing their dark secrets in the quiet privacy of their homes. They could be you. They could be me.
Nahhhh. They're all freaks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go rub one out to some Rescue Rangers porn. I always thought that Gadget was pretty hot.
Now, I don't mean that all that's on the Internet is classifiable as pornography. Certainly, you would be hard pressed to call the delightful joyofbaking.com (created by Stephaine Jaworski) porn. And, barring extreme sexual perversion, spongebobworld.com is also probably not porn.
So then, how can I, as a rational man, make the astonishing claim that on the Internet, everything is porn? Well, because it is.
Let's try an experiment. Open up your favorite web browser. Navigate your way over to Google Image Search. Now, make sure no one else is in the room. Clear? Good. Type Remus Lupin into the search bar.
Remus Lupin. An innocuous enough choice. A supporting character from the delightful Harry Potter series. How could Harry's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, third year, possibly be connected to porn?
We're about to go through the looking glass here, people.
Click the search button, or just hit enter if you're feeling randy. Now, what do we have here? Oh look, a screen capture of David Thewlis as Professor Lupin in the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. That's normal. It seems reasonable that such an image would come up. What else? Hmm, quite a few anime-ish looking returns. That's a little strange I suppose but...OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT? I'll give you a few minutes to wash your eyes with soap and sudsy water. Done? Clean? Your eyes may be cleansed, but I'm afraid no mortal soap can ever free you from the image now burned into the cortices of your brain. Yes, as of the time of this writing, the third return for an image search of Remus Lupin does appear to be a pencil sketch of Sirius Black and Remus himself engaging in homosexual intercourse. With penises. Missionary position, although I'll admit I didn't look at it long enough to determine who was in the superior, Remus or Sirius. I bet it's Sirius, that rapscallion.
How does a rational person react to such a thing? What am I to think? What are we, as human beings, to do when Remus Lupin and Sirius Black have gay sex? Should I have gay sex with you? Is that what this sketch is saying? But no. In a world gone mad, the last thing we ought to do is have gay sex with Harry Potter characters. Well, actually, the last thing we ought to do is have sex with Aragorn and Legolas, but Harry Potter sex is up there on the list of things we ought not do.
It's up there.
We can remain rational. We must remain rational.
The Remus/Lupin drawing belongs to a category of art called slash fiction, which wikipedia defines as "...ficition in which one or more media characters is involved in a homosexual relationship as a primary plot element." Hence the slash in Slash Ficition. Remus/Lupin. Aragorn/Legolas. Spongebob/Mr. Crabs. I hope to God the last one isn't real. But it might be. By all the angels in heaven and all the devils in hell, it might be. According to Wikipedia, Snape/Lupin slash is so popular, it has a name: snupin.
Through the looking glass, indeed.
What's interesting about this slash stuff is that it's extremely popular among women. The Lupin sketch which haunts our waking and dreaming was drawn by a woman. Is this the equivalent of the male obsession with lesbianism? Who knows. These are the deeper mysteries of the world.
Which brings me back to my original assertion. Everything on the internet is porn. There's Halo porn. There's The Simpsons Porn. Futurama porn is quite popular; apparently Leela's ocular handicap is something of a fetish for some. Rescue Rangers porn. Remember the Rescue Rangers? Remember that catchy theme song? Well, now you too can pleasure yourself to Chip and Dale getting it on.
But that's neither here nor there. Who finds this appealing? Why would a woman want to see Severus Snape hump Lucius Malfoy? Why would a man prefer Monterey Jack bone Gadget to depictions of real humans doing the same? To each other I mean, not to Gadget.
On the Internet, everything is porn. Everything, every character from every fiction ever created, has engaged in a sex act somewhere on the Internet. Yes, even Winnie the Pooh. I've seen it. Don't ask how or why, but I have. And it's like looking into a pit without a bottom, a vast unending chasm of darkness. Something like that, it changes you. I don't wish that on anyone.
But the point stands. Of course, some of this must be done in jest, the visual equivalent of The Aristocrats. Yet some of it is surely in earnest. But are people who are aroused by this really worse than the rest of us? Some guys like dominatrixes, and some guys like April and the Ninja Turtles. And maybe they walk among us like regular people, only revealing their dark secrets in the quiet privacy of their homes. They could be you. They could be me.
Nahhhh. They're all freaks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go rub one out to some Rescue Rangers porn. I always thought that Gadget was pretty hot.
posted by Michael at 9:45 AM
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