More Facebook Madness

I was looking at Facebook five minutes ago and discovered that there are no less than, like, three people currently at Stanford who are named Missy. Now, I'm sorry, but Missy is kind of a bad name. It's like a courtesy title with a "y" stuck to the end. That's just lazy. What if I did that with a man's title?

Mister-y.

Mistery.

Mystery.

Holy crap that's awesome. Mystery Booe. God that's badass. I'm definitely naming the son I'll never have that.

A Brief Conversation with Myself
A Play in One Act

Me: Is it wrong that I only care about talking to girls when they're attractive (re: not fat) and they don't have boyfriends, or at least I don't know that they have boyfriends, and when I look them up on Facebook and they do have boyfriends I don't care about them anymore?
Myself: What about guys?
Me: Oh I don't care about them at all.
Myself: Well, at least you're not gay!
Me: God I hate you, me.
Myself: Come again?

Two Deep Insights Into Life

I don't often get deep insights into life, so imagine my surprise when I got not one but two in one day! That day was today, and I'm going to share with you my findings in the hopes that you too can benefit from these profound revelations about the human condition.

The first one you can experience for yourself. Just open up your favorite web browser (Firefox or go to hell), head on over to Google Image Search, turn off Safesearch (yes this revelation does involve looking at porn ((don't they all?))), and type in a woman's name. Go ahead. Any woman's name will do. Try Lucy, for example. What comes up? That's right: porn. It works for any woman's name! Samantha: Porn. Alexis: Porn. Mary: lesbian porn. Bea: porn. Patricia: porn. What does this mean? That all women are whores? Well yes they are, but this doesn't prove it. What it does prove is that all women are porn stars, which is not the same thing one bit. Well, except for Patricia, apparently. Helen, also, is not a porn star. But most women are porn stars. So says the internet. I for one approve of our nation's women choosing to enter the adult entertainment industry. Sure it's not always glitz and glamour, but it pays the bills, and it provides a useful service to millions of men everyday. Can you imagine a world without porn? I can, but I choose not to. It's dangerous to stare too long into that nighmarish abyss.

The second insight is even more earth shattering. Hold onto your butts, and make sure all heavy objects are bolted down, because I'm going to rock your stuffed shirt conformo world. For today, I discovered that that one guy on Full House was NOT played by Jeff Daniels! I know, right?! The part of Joey was played by...Dave Coulier. Or as I like to call him, Jeff Daniels Doppleganger Clone. How are these two not the same man? I drew a diagram to help illustrate my point:

There's really only one solution to this puzzle: the Illuminati, in conjunction with the Trilateral Commission and the Saucerpeople have concocted some kind of plot, a fiendish conspiracy, if you will, to flood the earth with Jeff Daniel clones, in the hopes of one day dominating the entertainment industry with the B+ List actor. All we can do is pray.
Hm, I guess that particular revelation wasn't about porn. Or was it?

Yellow Ranger

Like most college students, I spent my spring break in my underwear eating fruit loops and watching reruns of hit dramas like Judging Amy, ER, and Law and Order on TNT. And while I'm always happy to stare into George Clooney's soulful eyes as he holds the power of life and death in his hands twice a day every weekday, I occasionally like to explore my other interests, which include watching Power Rangers on the Fox Family Channel.

I think Fox Family has the rights to pretty much every Power Rangers series produced in the United States, because at various points they've shown Power Rangers SPD, Power Rangers Lost Galaxy, Power Rangers Ninja Storm, Power Rangers Time Force, and Power Rangers Pedophile Invasion, to name just a few. This spring break, however, I was thrilled to discover that they were showing the original Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, featuring everyone's favorite pre-teen heartthrob, Jason David Frank as Tommy Oliver, the Green Ranger. (I don't mean he was a heartthrob as a pre-teen, he was in his early twenties during the show's initial run, I just mean he caused our hearts to throb when we were pre-teens. And not my heart specifically, not gay. But in general I would imagine he caused many pre-teens' hearts to throb. Girls' hearts. And some guys'. I would think, probably).

Anyway, even though Tommy might have stolen the spotlight for much of the show, how can we ever forget the first wet dream fantasy of millions of young American boys (and some girls?), Amy Jo Johnson? Oh original Pink Ranger from initial Power Rangers run 1993-1996, you can morph my Dinozord any time. Amy Jo, you might have made eyes at Jason David, but I know in your heart, you only had feelings for me. I don't know whatever happened to you, except I think you were on Felicity that one time, but wherever you are, know that our love, in the form of my pubescent fantasies, lives on forever.

Then of course, we have the Black Power Ranger, whose defining characteristic was...that...he was black...and the Yellow Ranger, whose defining characteristic was...that...she was yellow. I mean Asian! Oh god. And there was the Red Ranger, who was an Indian! Haha, just kidding folks, I think he was Italian. Or Spanish. They all look the same to me. And the Blue Ranger, who was made out of cheese or something.

And so it was, on looking up all the original power rangers actors on IMDB.com, that I came across a terrible discovery. It seems that our beloved Yellow Ranger, Thuy Trang, died in a car accident in 2001. I don't remember Trini, as her character was called on Power Rangers, all that well, because I was staring at Jason Da...I mean Amy Jo Johnson for most of the show. But she was a dedicated Ranger, and I bet she's kicking Lord Zed's ass right now, somewhere in that big Angel Grove in the sky. But my friends, I'm afraid there might be more than meets the eye to Thuy Trang's death. I'm afraid darker forces may be at work here than mere automobile accidents. Why do I say this? The date of her funeral. September 10, 2001. Draw your own conclusions people. Draw your own conclusions.

Since Thuy Trang, other Yellow Rangers have come and gone, but none will ever really replace Thuy in our hea...

Wait what?

The Yellow Ranger on Power Rangers Dino Thunder is a class-A babe?


Oh snap, fellas, break me off a piece of that! Emma Lahana, you'll always be my Yellow Ranger.