If all the Arnold Schwarzeneggers from all his movies got into a big brawl, who would win? This is the question contemplated by the ancient philosophers, from Socrates to Plato, from Confucius to Sun Tzu. It drove Nietzsche mad. And all this before Arnold Schwazenegger was even born. Even then, those long ago wisemen knew this question would be the one on which the fates of whole nations and empires turned.
Now, the answer is come.

1. Major Alan 'Dutch' Schaeffer
Major Alan Schaeffer, "Dutch" to his friends, is one badass guy. His muscles are so huge he uses them to launch small reconnaissance aircraft. "Dutch" leads a team of badass commandos, including the Governor of Minnesota and Apollo Creed. That's right, "Dutch" is so badass he bosses around the guy who took out Rocky. But "Dutch" doesn't care. He's just there to get the job done.

I think Arnold's muscles achieve some kind of critical mass in this movie. If they got any bigger, they'd burst out of his arms and start their own civilization of muscle-people. That's how big they are. I also like the fact that Arnold outruns a nuclear explosion at the end of the movie. He's some kind of monstrous super-man. An ubermensch, if you will. By the film's climax, his entire team has been killed. What does Arnold do? Does he pee his pants in fear? Does he cry like a girly-man? No! He rips off his shirt, covers himself in mud, makes a composite bow out of hickory, sorghum, and human hair, and challenges the predator to a one on one duel with the most manly warcry in human history. Then he has a fist fight with the Predator. That's right, he slugs it out with an intergalactic hunter that can shoot plasma bolts from its ass. And when the Predator takes off its mask, does Arnold quail in fear? No! He says, "You're one ugly motherfucker." Then he smashes Predator with a giant log.
Memorable Quotes:
"If it bleeds, we can kill it."
"Get to tha choppa!!"
Bad-Ass Rating: 9

2. Douglas Quaid, AKA Hauser
Quaid, or "Hauser" as his "friends" call him, is married to Sharon Stone and does have sex with her, so that automatically makes him a living legend. Little does he know that his lower-upper-middle class existence is, in reality, a complex fabrication, and part of an absurdly convoluted plot to destroy a bunch of freedom-loving mutants on Mars. Actually I'm not sure what happens in this movie, but there's definitely a mutant that has three breasts, and there's also a midget. Or maybe it was a three breasted-midget. I'm not sure. But there's some freaky imagery regardless, believe you me.

Arnold is fairly badass in this one. He has some serious combat skills, but he doesn't know it. What he does know is that he's sleeping with Sharon Stone, but he eventually kills her, and is then heard to remark "Consider that a divorce." It's ok, though, because she was working for the badguy. At one point, he disguises himself as a fat lady, and when some evil henchman accost him, he bursts out of his costume, throws the animatronic fake lady head at them, and runs away. The head turns out to be a bomb which explodes and kills a platoon of soldiers. If that's even half as confusing/awesome as I remember it, it's pretty intense. When a mutant that lives in another mutant's chest tells Arnold, "Quaaaaaaid, start the reactor!" does Arnold freak out? No! He goes down to the reactor, kills Michael Ironside and about 1000 guys, and turns on the damn reactor. At the end it turns out the whole thing might have been a dream, but at least Arnold got to cyber-bone the vaguely attractive Rachel Ticotin. Yeah I never heard of her either.
Memorable Quotes:
Quaid: Benny! Here!
Benny: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Quaid: [killing him with a large drill] SCREW YOU!
"Get your ass to Mars."
Bad-Ass Rating: 7.5


3. Ben Richards
Ben Richards was a regular guy, just your average-joe enforcer for the megacorporation that dominated life in the near-future United States. Then he refused to open fire on a crowd of protestors. Eventually, he ended up on the reality TV show "The Running Man." It wasn't much like today's reality shows: the contestants were each more unlikely than the last: a guy with a chainsaw, an opera singing fat man who shot out electricity, a black man with a jet pack and a flamethrower, and an Asian guy who played hockey. With pucks OF DOOM. Wow, actually it's just like today's reality shows. Anyway, Ben eventually defeats his opponents and kills the head of the evil megacorporation. Wow, what a surprise.

Arnold is reasonably bad-ass in this movie. He definitely beats up some serious opposition. Jesse Ventura is also in this movie, as the patriotic Captain Freedom. I don't know what it is about Arnold movies and unsuccessful state governors. Ba-zing. I'm just kidding I voted for Arnold. I don't remember if Arnold kills Jesse Ventura, but I think he should, just to show that California is a much better state that Minnesota ever will be. Go back to Canada you bastards.
Memorable Quote:
"Well I hope you leave enough room for my fist, because I'm going to ram it into your stomach, and tear out your spine!"
Bad-ass rating: 7.0

4. Cyberdyne T-800 Series Terminator
In the dark future of the early 21st century, a nuclear war engufled the Earth. From the ashes of that cataclysm, a terrible intelligence arose, a cybernetic mind of untold power. SKYNET slaughtered most of the human survivors and rounded up the rest into horrific death camps where it rendered the terrified prisoners into their component nutrients. But SKYNET didn't count on one man: Michael Biehn. No wait, I mean: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Actually I was right both times. Arnold's the bad guy in the first Terminator movie. He kicks major ass. He gets shot, punched, bashed, and car-crashed. Even when Michael Biehn blows up the truck he's driving, it just turns the Terminator into a crappy stop-motion effect. NOTHING CAN STOP HIM. Except an industrial strength press. That pretty much kills him. But even an industrial strength press can't compete with studio greed, so Arnold came back for Terminator 2, except this time, he's on OUR side. In T2, Arnold had an annoying kid sidekick, and he learned the meaning of love. He also learned it was something he could never do, so he jumped into a pool of lava like an emo pussy. At least I think that's how it happened. Anyway, even a pool of lava can't compete with studio greed, so Arnold was yet again resurrected for Terminator 3, which I never saw, but I imagine it involved a hot robot-on-robot sex scene between Arnold and that sexy female Terminator. Then the Apocalypse began and Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor of California.
Memorable Quotes:
"My CPU is a neural-net processor, a learning computer. The more I interact with humans, the more I learn."
"I'll be back."
"Hasta la vista, baby."
"I know now why you cry. But it's something I can never do."
Bad-ass rating:
9.0

5. Detective John Kimble
Detective John Kimble was the best. He put in the hours, and he stayed on his man until justice was served. He was married to his job. He didn't let anything get in the way of his duty to the law. Then one day, through a series of increasingly contrived events, he was forced to masquerade as a Kindergarten teacher in order to nab a wanted a felon. Arnold actually turns into a pretty decent teacher when he realizes the best way to get people to fall in line is to give them badges and make them goose-step around the classroom shouting various anti-Semitic chants. I think I might be confusing Kindergarten Cop with Triumph of the Will. OR AM I?!

This movie is mostly a broad comedy in which we laugh at the juxtaposition of the fantastically muscled, masculine figure of Arnold Shwarzeneggasascazeder with the highly feminized task of kindergarten teaching. I go to college! The movie ends with a dramatic shoot out in which Arnold gets two to the chest. Or the arm. He lives though. I don't remember if he ultimately settles on remaining in the education field or returning to law enforcement, but I hope he found a way to combine his two passions. Policing kindergarterners or teaching police.
Memorable Quotes:
"It's not a tumor!"

[On being informed that boys have penises and girls have vaginas]
"Thanks for the tip."
Bad-ass Rating:
5.0

6. Conan the Barbarian
Conan was born free, but after the wicked Thulsa Doom (ably played by James Earl Jones) raided his village and murdered his family, Conan was forced to become a slave. Eventually, Conan enters the gladiatorial pits, where he learns the arts of combat and eventually earns his freedom. Conan ultimately defeats the evil Thulsa Doom's legions, and executes the wicked tyrant before a throng of Thulsa's followers.
Now that I think about it, Conan the Barbarian is basically Gladiator (or more accurately, Maximus Decimus Meridius the Commander of Felix Legion, but I guess that wouldn't have worked as a title).

The difference between Maximus and Conan is that Maximus gets all emotional about his wife and son being horribly raped and murdered. I mean, that's happened to me twice, and you don't see me getting all upset. But Maximus mopes around and acts impotent. "I'm just a slave, what possible difference can I make?" he bawls in his whiny, nasal voice. Conan is anything BUT impotent. He has sex with at least three women in his movie, and it's basically the first thing he does when he meets them. One of them turns out to be an evil witch, but what does Conan do? He finishes up, then throws her in a fire. That's how bad-ass he is. Surprisingly, he doesn't have sex with the Princess, but I'm sure he does after the movie ends or something.

Not only is Conan a love making master, he's also a killing machine. He probably kills 1,000 guys in this movie, but the blood on his hands only makes him into more of a sexual dynamo. In one scene, he's tied to a tree, and vultures begin to peck at him. But one vulture makes the mistake of pissing Conan off, so what does Conan do? Does he cry out to his Gods for salvation? No! He takes charge, grabs the vulture in his teeth, bites it to death, then spits it contemptuously into the dirt at his feet.
Memorable Quote:
[On what is best in life]
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women."
Bad-ass Rating:
8.62

7. The Governator
In an alternate future, in the early 21st century, the United States entered a period of decline following a catastrophic terrorist attack and a subsequent squandering of its diplomatic, economic, and military resources in a boondoggle dubbed at the time "The War on Terror." Disheartened by the sharp turn to the right the rest of the country seemed to have taken, the people of California took it upon themselves to elect a man who could lead the state into a brighter future regardless of the darkness enveloping the rest of the world.

That man was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
They called him The Governator.

Oh wait, all that actually happened.

Anyway, I don't pay much attention to politics, but I understand Arnold isn't doing so well in the polls these days. I don't know if that means anything, though, because, keep in mind, this is the same state that elected a schlocky 80s action movie star to the governor's office. Look, Arnold may be a bit gimmicky, and he may be borderline incompetent, and he may not have any political acumen at all, and he may only have been elected because people love his catchphrases, but godammit, this is America! What were our alternatives? Broad Hispanic Stereotype Cruz Bustamante? We don't elect anyone not from Western or Central Europe to high executive positions! Not in America! No-penis Gray Davis? That man has about as much charisma as a piece of toast without raspberry jam. No my friends, in a world gone mad, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the sane choice.
Memorable Quotes:
"We're going to open da books!"
Bad-ass Rating:
6.5


So who wins the brawl? Well, Arnolds without major gimmicks like Quaid, Richards, and John Kimble are right out. Arnolds' enormous layers of muscles would probably stop a .22 round, but they're not going to stand up to the firepower of plasma rifle or a minigun. Governator has the entire California National Guard at his disposal, but as we've seen, guys like Dutch could kill 500,000,000 men without even thinking twice about it. Plus Arnold's been getting a bit flabby lately. So it basically comes down to Dutch, Terminator, and Conan. Conan may not have the advantage of modern or futuristic firearms, but he has extreme sexual prowess. But I don't think that helps in a brawl so Conan gets shot from 2 klicks out by a high powered hunting rifle. Now, Dutch may not have advanced technology, but as we've seen, he can take high-tech foes without too much trouble. Plus, Arnold has NEVER survived a Terminator movie, and Dutch outruns nuclear bombs. This one goes to Dutch my friends.

Godspeed Arnold Schwarzenegger, wherever you are. Sacramento, I guess.

PS
I left out a number of worthy Arnolds, including True Lies Arnold with Sexy Hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis Action, and Hercules in New York Arnold with Horrible Dubbing Action. I was getting pretty bored so I decided to call it quits. I also left out a number of unworthy Arnolds, including End of Days Arnold and Sixth Day Arnold. For these, and other oversights, the author extends his sincerest apologies.

Hundred Acre Wood: Arcadian glen or den of madness?

Yeah, it's a den of madness.

Ahh, the Hundred Acre Wood, inhabited by whimsical characters like Piglet, Rabbit, and the unfortunately monikered Winnie "the Pooh." Honestly, that's easily the worst nickname I've ever heard. I'm told he acquired the appellation from the sound he makes when he exhales quickly, but clearly no one thought it through very much, and now Winnie the Pooh (no-one ever calls him just Winnie) is saddled with a name that instantly conjures up images of everyone's favorite bodily waste. Urine, I think we can all agree, is a distant second. I don't think this is an entirely bad thing, mind, because a nice long poop is one of the few things that I can still look forward to in the grotesque carnival of tears that is my life, but nevertheless, poo is not one of the things you ought to bring up in polite company. Christopher Robin has even resorted to referring to Winnie simply as "Pooh" or "Pooh Bear" with unintentionally hilarious results. Just call him Fecal Matter Bear and be done with it.

Anyway, to my central thesis: every denizen of the Hundred Acre Wood is suffering from a serious developmental or psychological malady and must be treated immediately!

Winnie "the Poo"

Symptoms: Patient presents with an total inability to grasp basic abstract concepts. When administered a standardized IQ test, the patient ate the provided pen, defecated on the floor, and fell asleep. Patient is also commonly referred to by his friends as a "bear of very little brain." Once became trapped in his own house when chronic overconsumption of honey caused him to become lodged in his own door. Had to be extracted by fire personnel and paramedic first responders, at considerable cost to the state. In another incident, he attempted to use a balloon to reach a beehive, apparently failing to grasp basic principles of buoyancy and gravity. Fell approximately 40 feet, suffering a serious head injury.
Diagnosis: The patient probably suffers from some kind of congenital retardation, most probably Down Syndrome, further exacerbated by the aforementioned head trauma.
Prognosis: Left untreated, the patient will probably either starve to death or drown in his own bodily wastes. We recommend he be remanded to a state care facility, where he can be taught basic skills. Given the profundity of the patient's retardation, we doubt he will ever be able to enter the workforce or live unsupervised. Nonetheless, we are confident he can still lead a full and fulfilling life, likely to be primarily occupied by staring at a wall and muttering incoherently to himself.

Tigger

Symptoms: Patient presents with extreme hyperactivity and inability to engage in conversation. 500cc of air-rifle delivered Ketamine had to be administered to the patient in order to ensure cooperation during interview process. Patient remained mostly incoherent during the interview, raving about being composed of "rubber and string." When administered standard dose of Ritalin, patient became extremely calm and passive.
Diagnosis: Patient likely suffers from Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder.
Prognosis: We recommend double daily standard dose of Ritalin to be administered by trained physician's assistant. We also suspect that patient's hyperactivity may partially be a result of pent-up sexual tension, which is to be expected, given that the he has taken to loudly proclaiming that he is the last of his species. His cries of "I'm the only one!" are more probably analogous to "Oh God, my race dies with me, why struggle on in the face of the inexorable bleak specter of death?" Given that this situation is unlikely to resolve itself, mandatory castration, including full removal of penis and testes, is recomended. Unfortunately, thus far, we have been unable to locate reproductive organs of any kind; the patient's body appears to be composed of synthetic fur and fabric.

Eeyore

Symptoms: Scars just above hooves suggest several abortive suicide attempts, which likely failed because the patient is, like the other animals treated, mostly composed of leather and cotton stuffing. Other attempted suicides included a drowning (failed because patient has no lungs), a hanging (failed because patient has no lungs), and an overdose of pain medication (failed because patient has no internal organs of any kind.) Patient is fascinated by death imagery. Extremely lethargic, with labored speech patterns. Enjoys listening to Dashboard Confessional and Taking Back Sunday. Wears sweaters, tight-fitting jeans, scarves, and dark square rimmed glasses.
Diagnosis: Patient suffers from some form of clinical depression.
Prognosis: Left untreated, the patient will likely stumble upon some form of suicide that will actually prove effective, most likely self-immolation or use of high explosive. We recommend a cocktail of Zoloft, Prozac, and Zyprexa, along with intensive rounds of talk-therapy. However, it must be noted that although in most cases a patient with depression suffers from unjustified feelings of worthlessness, weakness, and loneliness, Eeyore is actually a worthless, weak individual who doesn't deserve to have any friends.

Piglet

Symptoms: Upon reaching the patient's residence, the interviewer was immediately attacked by a two foot high creature wielding a kitchen knife and bellowing unintelligibly about shapeshifting alien helicopters from beyond the moon. The interviewer easily overpowered his diminutive assailant, and he soon determined that the attacker was Piglet himself. After the patient was administered a sedative, it was discovered that the patient routinely experiences vivid hallucinations, visions, and hears "voices." Additionally, experiences spasms and tremors of the limbs and torso.
Diagnosis: Patient suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia.
Prognosis: The severity of the patient's delusions rules out any use of therapy or standard medications. Electroshock therapy would seem to be the best route, but the patient's body, unlike most organisms, contains extreme low levels of water or other semi conductive materials. Therefore, we recommend a full frontal lobotomy. Although this will no doubt render the patient a drooling moron, given the mental faculties of his peers, no one is likely to notice much change.

Upon initial analysis, it appears the Hundred Acre Wood is a breeding ground for madness, retardation, and other mental maladies. Preliminary diagnoses indicate that Rabbit may be suffering from Antisocial Disorder, Owl from Asperger's Syndrome or Autism, and Roo may have an Oedipus Complex (where's his father?!) Although most of the denizens will never lead "happy" or "productive" lives, we can rest assured that modern medicine provides us with the capability to shoot them full of so many mind altering drugs, they will essentially be reduced to semi-mobile sacks of chemicals. Huzzah!