700 lbs Penis
So, I was watching King Kong the other day (the movie, not the necessarily titular ape himself, although he did play a major role). The film features Naomi Watts as Anne Darrow. Watts, it was suggested to me, has one of the prettiest philtrums in all Hollywood. And indeed she does. She has a rather spectacular philtrum. I think in any sane society, the shapeliness of one's philtrum would be considered the primary measure of beauty. To hell with boobs and butts and legs. Philtrums are where it's at!
But the real point of this article is to discuss an even more important physical attribute than philtrums: penises. One particular penis in fact. Or should I say, the mysterious absence thereof? Because, after all, there is one penis conspicuously absent from King Kong. No, not Adrien Brody's. In fact, in my opinion, Peter Jackson spends far too many lingering shots zoomed in on Brody's enormous, throbbing member. I mean, it was cool the first time, but pretty much every character in this movie spends at least half a minute gazing at it, stroking it, murmuring to it, or at the very least heatedly discussing it. I just realized I confused Adrien Brody's Penis with the Ring from The Lord of the Rings. Let us never speak of this again.
ANYWAY. There IS a penis mysteriously missing in this film, but it's not Adrien Brody's. The phantom johnson belongs to none other than Kong himself! Throughout the movie, we see King Kong run, leap, crush, bite, fall, and fall in love, but not once do we see his penis. Which is odd because he is clearly naked. He certainly must HAVE a penis. He is not some genetic experiment gone awry, or some kind of robotic cyborg from the infernal factories of Deneb VII. He is a living, breathing ape, the King of the Kongs! He falls in love with women, so he's not some kind of weird eunuch or a castrati. He only has one musical number in the whole movie, when he serenades Anne with a rousing rendition of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight." And he's clearly a tenor. Or maybe he a baritone. The point is, we didn't see Kong's penis, and I was pretty disappointed. Well, not so much disappointed as relieved to not have to look at a 25 foot ape's balls and chain for 3 hours, but that's neither here nor there.
Now I'm going to review some of the most recent movies I've seen according to the following algorithm: Movie Rating = (Number of Boobs featured in Movie) - (Number of Penises featured in Movie)
Brokeback Mountain
Surprisingly enough, this movie featured more boobs than penises! Including those of Dawson's Creek alumn Michelle Williams along with those of Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement alumn Anne Hathaway. Good times were had by all. Now, this movie is about gay cowboys who have gay sex in the gay mountains, so you'd think there'd be penises all over the place. You'd probably even expect the minor characters like Randy Quaid to show their penises off. Well there aren't, and he doesn't, praise Baby Jesus. In fact, we only get the briefest glimpse of penises when Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall jump off some cliffs in the nude. No, it's not a suicide scene. There's water. Anyway, even though I think both penises were clearly visible, the scene was so short I'm just gonna count it as one.
Rating = (4) - (1) = 3
Capote
MORE gay people, but luckily no Philip Seymour Hoffman penis. For that we are all grateful. Unfortunately, the highly anticipated Harper Lee nude scene never materialized. You can't have everything.
Rating = (0) - (0) = 0
Family Stone
This movie sucked pretty badly. It had gay people in it, but they weren't the main characters. Instead, we got a bizarre, apparently mentally ill person played by Sarah Jessica Parker, a cancer patient played by Diane Keaton, and a large brick played by Dermot Mulroney. Apparently Dermot subscribes to the "don't act" school of acting. This film was a total mess and completely didn't work, but I spent most of it imagining what Rachel McAdams's boobs look like, so I'm giving it a rating of one, for imagined boobs. I imagine they're pretty sweet.
Movie Rating = (1) - (0) = 1
Munich
This movie had a very nice pair of boobs, ably played by some Dutch prostitute. Actually an actress played the boobs and the prostitute, so I have to say she's a pretty versatile young woman. Unfortunately, the beauty of those boobs was marred by an earlier scene featuring Ciarian Hinds's penis, which was, by implication, at some point inside the prostitute. Still, all in all, a solid showing by Spielberg.
Movie Rating = (2) - (1) = 1
Match Point
There is no reason at all that Scarlett Johansson's boobs weren't in this movie. We saw some nipple through wet shirt and that was it. Very poor showing by pedophile/director Woody Allen. Minus a million points.
Movie Rating = (-1,000,000) - (0) = -1,000,000
In conclusion, a pretty solid year for boobs. I mean movies. There were some good films, along with a few clunkers. Maybe next year we'll get some Scarlett boobage. Please? Boobs.
So, I was watching King Kong the other day (the movie, not the necessarily titular ape himself, although he did play a major role). The film features Naomi Watts as Anne Darrow. Watts, it was suggested to me, has one of the prettiest philtrums in all Hollywood. And indeed she does. She has a rather spectacular philtrum. I think in any sane society, the shapeliness of one's philtrum would be considered the primary measure of beauty. To hell with boobs and butts and legs. Philtrums are where it's at!
But the real point of this article is to discuss an even more important physical attribute than philtrums: penises. One particular penis in fact. Or should I say, the mysterious absence thereof? Because, after all, there is one penis conspicuously absent from King Kong. No, not Adrien Brody's. In fact, in my opinion, Peter Jackson spends far too many lingering shots zoomed in on Brody's enormous, throbbing member. I mean, it was cool the first time, but pretty much every character in this movie spends at least half a minute gazing at it, stroking it, murmuring to it, or at the very least heatedly discussing it. I just realized I confused Adrien Brody's Penis with the Ring from The Lord of the Rings. Let us never speak of this again.
ANYWAY. There IS a penis mysteriously missing in this film, but it's not Adrien Brody's. The phantom johnson belongs to none other than Kong himself! Throughout the movie, we see King Kong run, leap, crush, bite, fall, and fall in love, but not once do we see his penis. Which is odd because he is clearly naked. He certainly must HAVE a penis. He is not some genetic experiment gone awry, or some kind of robotic cyborg from the infernal factories of Deneb VII. He is a living, breathing ape, the King of the Kongs! He falls in love with women, so he's not some kind of weird eunuch or a castrati. He only has one musical number in the whole movie, when he serenades Anne with a rousing rendition of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight." And he's clearly a tenor. Or maybe he a baritone. The point is, we didn't see Kong's penis, and I was pretty disappointed. Well, not so much disappointed as relieved to not have to look at a 25 foot ape's balls and chain for 3 hours, but that's neither here nor there.
Now I'm going to review some of the most recent movies I've seen according to the following algorithm: Movie Rating = (Number of Boobs featured in Movie) - (Number of Penises featured in Movie)
Brokeback Mountain
Surprisingly enough, this movie featured more boobs than penises! Including those of Dawson's Creek alumn Michelle Williams along with those of Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement alumn Anne Hathaway. Good times were had by all. Now, this movie is about gay cowboys who have gay sex in the gay mountains, so you'd think there'd be penises all over the place. You'd probably even expect the minor characters like Randy Quaid to show their penises off. Well there aren't, and he doesn't, praise Baby Jesus. In fact, we only get the briefest glimpse of penises when Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall jump off some cliffs in the nude. No, it's not a suicide scene. There's water. Anyway, even though I think both penises were clearly visible, the scene was so short I'm just gonna count it as one.
Rating = (4) - (1) = 3
Capote
MORE gay people, but luckily no Philip Seymour Hoffman penis. For that we are all grateful. Unfortunately, the highly anticipated Harper Lee nude scene never materialized. You can't have everything.
Rating = (0) - (0) = 0
Family Stone
This movie sucked pretty badly. It had gay people in it, but they weren't the main characters. Instead, we got a bizarre, apparently mentally ill person played by Sarah Jessica Parker, a cancer patient played by Diane Keaton, and a large brick played by Dermot Mulroney. Apparently Dermot subscribes to the "don't act" school of acting. This film was a total mess and completely didn't work, but I spent most of it imagining what Rachel McAdams's boobs look like, so I'm giving it a rating of one, for imagined boobs. I imagine they're pretty sweet.
Movie Rating = (1) - (0) = 1
Munich
This movie had a very nice pair of boobs, ably played by some Dutch prostitute. Actually an actress played the boobs and the prostitute, so I have to say she's a pretty versatile young woman. Unfortunately, the beauty of those boobs was marred by an earlier scene featuring Ciarian Hinds's penis, which was, by implication, at some point inside the prostitute. Still, all in all, a solid showing by Spielberg.
Movie Rating = (2) - (1) = 1
Match Point
There is no reason at all that Scarlett Johansson's boobs weren't in this movie. We saw some nipple through wet shirt and that was it. Very poor showing by pedophile/director Woody Allen. Minus a million points.
Movie Rating = (-1,000,000) - (0) = -1,000,000
In conclusion, a pretty solid year for boobs. I mean movies. There were some good films, along with a few clunkers. Maybe next year we'll get some Scarlett boobage. Please? Boobs.
posted by Michael at 4:04 PM
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