Law and Order Hoedown
The television series Law and Order has been on the air for 16 years. Kids who are currently juniors in High School have never lived on an Earth devoid of Law and Order. And these neophytes should thank God (or more accurately Dick Wolfe) that they were never made to glimpse the terror of a world without Law and Order. But I, I remember those black years. Before Dick Wolfe created Law and Order and introduced it to an unsuspecting public in 1990, the world was a dark place, ruled by barbarians and tyrant-kings who jealousy guarded their petty fiefdoms, just as a half-starved dog rabidly protects a splinter of bone or scrap of meat. Young women were little more than chattel for the amusement of those cruel sybarites who built their holdings on the back of a prostrate mankind, and young men were, at best, grist to be pulverized on the millstone of war.
Fortunately, all that ended on September 13, 1990. On that day, Our Lord Jerry Orbach descended from the Heavens and cast the opressors from their high thrones, and a great cry went up from mankind: "Praise Jerry Orbach, for He is Good." And then the Lord Jerry Orbach spaketh unto the people : "Hearken unto me, my Chosen People, for I am Lord. From this day forth, never shall mankind contend with kings and emperors. For behold, I grant unto you the twin pillars of Liberal Democracy: Law and Order. And that you shall never stray from this path, I shall send to you my most beloved sons: Chris Noth and Sam Waterston. Together, they shall be guarantors and bastions of Law and Order, and never shall the darkness of tyranny obscure the light of justice. Praise unto me."
Sure, some people may point out that the original Senior Homicide Detective was portrayed by George Dzundza, and that Jerry Orbach didn't take up the signature role until the third season. And these apostates may further blaspheme that Michael Moriarty was the Executive ADA until the fifth season. What these heathens fail to comprehend is that the historical record means nothing, NOTHING compared to the Aw
esome Truth of Our Lord Jerry Orbach's Word. Thus, into the world came Law and Order, and it was good.
And now what you've all been waiting for, an examination of the hotness of the show's various ADAs, and the degree of shame which I would feel upon sleeping with them.
(Note that the ADAs will be listed in chronological order. A higher shame rating means it is more shameful to sleep with that person).
1. Paul Robinette AKA Richard Brooks
Now, Paul Robinette has the distinction of being the only MALE Assistant District Attorney, as well as the only BLACK Assistant District Attorney, as well as the only COMPETENT Assistant District Attorney. Coincidence? Unlikely.
However, this is blotry isn't about competence. It's about hotness, which, in the final analysis, is a far more important quality. I mean, do you think George Washington would have become God-King of America if he hadn't been the most handsome devil this side of Alexander Hamilton? I think not my friends. I think not. GW was six foot-five inches of pure muscle and bone, a towering colossus of a man with a steely glint in his eye that bespake a cold, hard intelligence that made men weep and women weak in the knees.
But I digress. We're talking about Paul Robinette, who, I must admit, find it difficult to write anything about. That's because I'm not a gay, and I can't discern male attractiveness. Paul Reubens vs. Brad Pitt? Um, roughly equal? See? I can't tell. So I'm hardly qualified to judge. But, Monsiuer Robinette is black (last time I checked). So he must have a behemoth schlong. And he did sport a stylish flat top during his run on the show.
Shame Factor: 5 (+7 for it being a homosexual act, -4 for being black, +2 for the inevitable cuddling that would happen afterwards)
2. Claire Kincaid AKA Jill Hennessy
Claire was a goddamn vision of a woman, almost competent (such is the weakness of her sex), beautiful, and stylish. So she let McCoy violate the consecrated temple of her body with his distgusting, twisted appendages now and then. So what? She was beautiful and YOU KILLED HER Jerry Orbach. Your drunken shenanigans forced her to drive you home that cold November night when she was struck head on by a drunk driver and her brains were sent flying through the shattered ruin of the windshield.
Oh well, you are LORD, and I am sure it was part of your divine plan.
Although she is dead and gone, her spirit is not forgotten. I hear Jill Hennessy was in some program called Crossing Jordan, which I think was a reality television show where people would do something to piss Jill Hennessy off and then would have to try to survive her attempts to kill them for the rest of the show. I mean, the premise was sound. I never saw it though.
Claire was the only woman I'll ever really love, but I'm grateful every day for the little time we had together, Thursdays at 8, 1993-1996. Gone, but not forgotten.
Shame Factor: -999 (-1000 FOR I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS I LOVE THIS WOMAN, +1 for being a corpse)
3. Jamie Ross AKA Carey Lowell
I don't remember all that much about Jamie. She wasn't on the show that long, but I guess my most lasting impression was that of a male to female transsexual. They never really went into it all that much in the show, but c'mon, the short haircut, the complete lack of sexual interest in Man-God Jerry Orbach, the name Jaime? I know she was on the show during a less enlightened time in the history of the United States, but they sure laid the subtext on pretty thick. I think by the end of her run we were all expecting her to whip it out and beat McCoy around the head and shoulders a little bit. I sure was.
Or if not a transsexual at least a lesbian. I know Carey's married to Richard Gere, but I'm pretty sure he has a vagina. Or at least a mangina. Same thing.
Shame Factor: 4 (+10 for being born a man, -8 for being made a woman, +2 for still having a penis)
4. Abbie Carmichael AKA Angie Harmon
Abbie is widely considered the "hottest" or "most desirable" of the Assistant District Attorneys through which McCoy has rammed his geriatric member through the long roll of the years.
These Abbie Backers may have a point. After all, who could resist those long bronze legs, that smoky voice, those dark mysterious eyes?
Well I could, that's who! Sure, she was a super babe, but Angie Harmon was on Baywatch Nights. Now, I've never seen Baywatch Nights. Hell, I've never even seen Baywatch original flavor. But I have every confidence in the world that Baywatch Nights sucked, and I defy any person on earth to say otherwise. The kind of people who were fans of Baywatch Nights are like Jesus, or fans of Carson Daily. They exist on paper, but they're not really real.
Haha just kidding. There are people who actually like Carson Daily.
Ha, gotcha again. Seriously, no one likes Carson.
Ok, being serious for a second though, Jesus. You know I love You.
Anyway, Abbie was a conservative on the show, which I guess meant we were supposed to think it was cute when she was FOR the government keeping its hands on her body. Well, I thought it was hot anyway. She was also for brutalizing criminals and keeping large caliber firearms in the hands of children and the elderly. In other words, the perfect woman. Except her voice sounded like someone crammed a pregnant frog with bronchitis down her throat, and then the frog gave birth and all the baby frogs got bronchitis.
In the end, she had the the 'tude, and the politics, but not the heart. She did have the boobs though. And the legs. And the boobs.
Shame Factor: -4 (-6 for being pretty hot; +2 for sounding like Burgess Meredith on two packs a day)
5. Serena Southerlyn AKA Elisabeth Rohm
Serena vas a gud German girl from ze outskirts of Dusseldorf, ya? She fought ze Soviet dogs tooth un nail mit her disease ridden gerbarmutter un her venereal diseases.
Actually, that was the actress who played Serena Southerlyn. Serena herself was, I don't think, ever actually identified as a German girl, but with those sky blue eyes, strong cheekbones, and yellow hair it's not hard to believe she's descended from Hitler's Aryan Ubermensch.
Serena was widely considered the most wooden of the ADAs, and not in the way you're thinking. Her delivery was stilted. She couldn't emote to save her life. I made a diagram to help illustrate my point:
Anyway, she was pretty good looking in a wholesome European girl sort of way, I suppose. And she wasn't as incompetent as Abbie "Slept my way through law school" Carmichael. In her final episode, when Fred Thompson fired her, she blurted out "Is this because I'm a lesbian?" Now, this surprised me because I thought all lesbians had short hair and wore plaid. I think she was just claiming persecuted minority status in order to get some leverage because I am sure zat ze gud German girls are all willing to procreate mit ze gud German boys for ze glory of ze Faderland.
Shame Factor: -1 (-4 for pure Aryan blood, +6 for wooden acting, -3 for making it with a lesbian)
6. Alexandra Borgia AKA Annie Parisse
This feisty brunette from down under was appointed as McCoy's ADA after Southerlyn's lesbian explosion. However, she quickly found herself under intense scrutiny from New York's Bar after...
God, I'm just making all this up. She was only on the show for a year, and I didn't really watch that season, but based on her looks I'm going to say by-the-book professional with a softer side that only a few who are close to her get to see. Very capable, but constantly feels the need to prove herself in a world dominated by a male hierarchy.
Am I right? Who knows. She was gone before we had a chance to really get to know her, brutally beaten and stuffed in a garbage can. (Really, look it up on wikipedia).
Shame Factor: -3? (-5 for being pretty cute, but +2 for being dead)
7. Consuela "Connie" Rubirosa AKA Alana de la Garza
All indications are that Connie Rubirosa is hot, but I have a weird thing about being attracted to Mexican women because I feel like somehow it might be some weird deep seated thing with my Mexican mother, so I try to avoid it where possible. Still, she seems pretty attractive. Objectively.
I think she's a half-breed though, because her large forehead and enormous eyes lead me to believe she's some sort of human-alien hybrid, sent to Earth to seduce men into getting jiggy with it.
Now, in general, I'm a bit iffy about letting minorities into the legal system. Sure, Paul worked out, but he was a man. A big black man. But these Latina/Hispanic/Mexican/Spanish women can get pretty uppity I hear. She's only been on the show a few months, so we'll have to wait and see. We'll just have to wait and see.
Shame Factor: 4 (-3 for being cute, +8 for maybe being some kind of weird Freudian thing with my mother, -1 for having "de la Garza" as a last name)
So, in the end, Claire wins the day.
Praise be unto Jerry Orbach, the Father, Chris Noth the Son, and Sam Waterston the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
The television series Law and Order has been on the air for 16 years. Kids who are currently juniors in High School have never lived on an Earth devoid of Law and Order. And these neophytes should thank God (or more accurately Dick Wolfe) that they were never made to glimpse the terror of a world without Law and Order. But I, I remember those black years. Before Dick Wolfe created Law and Order and introduced it to an unsuspecting public in 1990, the world was a dark place, ruled by barbarians and tyrant-kings who jealousy guarded their petty fiefdoms, just as a half-starved dog rabidly protects a splinter of bone or scrap of meat. Young women were little more than chattel for the amusement of those cruel sybarites who built their holdings on the back of a prostrate mankind, and young men were, at best, grist to be pulverized on the millstone of war.
Fortunately, all that ended on September 13, 1990. On that day, Our Lord Jerry Orbach descended from the Heavens and cast the opressors from their high thrones, and a great cry went up from mankind: "Praise Jerry Orbach, for He is Good." And then the Lord Jerry Orbach spaketh unto the people : "Hearken unto me, my Chosen People, for I am Lord. From this day forth, never shall mankind contend with kings and emperors. For behold, I grant unto you the twin pillars of Liberal Democracy: Law and Order. And that you shall never stray from this path, I shall send to you my most beloved sons: Chris Noth and Sam Waterston. Together, they shall be guarantors and bastions of Law and Order, and never shall the darkness of tyranny obscure the light of justice. Praise unto me."
Sure, some people may point out that the original Senior Homicide Detective was portrayed by George Dzundza, and that Jerry Orbach didn't take up the signature role until the third season. And these apostates may further blaspheme that Michael Moriarty was the Executive ADA until the fifth season. What these heathens fail to comprehend is that the historical record means nothing, NOTHING compared to the Aw
esome Truth of Our Lord Jerry Orbach's Word. Thus, into the world came Law and Order, and it was good.And now what you've all been waiting for, an examination of the hotness of the show's various ADAs, and the degree of shame which I would feel upon sleeping with them.
(Note that the ADAs will be listed in chronological order. A higher shame rating means it is more shameful to sleep with that person).
1. Paul Robinette AKA Richard Brooks
Now, Paul Robinette has the distinction of being the only MALE Assistant District Attorney, as well as the only BLACK Assistant District Attorney, as well as the only COMPETENT Assistant District Attorney. Coincidence? Unlikely.
However, this is blotry isn't about competence. It's about hotness, which, in the final analysis, is a far more important quality. I mean, do you think George Washington would have become God-King of America if he hadn't been the most handsome devil this side of Alexander Hamilton? I think not my friends. I think not. GW was six foot-five inches of pure muscle and bone, a towering colossus of a man with a steely glint in his eye that bespake a cold, hard intelligence that made men weep and women weak in the knees.
But I digress. We're talking about Paul Robinette, who, I must admit, find it difficult to write anything about. That's because I'm not a gay, and I can't discern male attractiveness. Paul Reubens vs. Brad Pitt? Um, roughly equal? See? I can't tell. So I'm hardly qualified to judge. But, Monsiuer Robinette is black (last time I checked). So he must have a behemoth schlong. And he did sport a stylish flat top during his run on the show.
Shame Factor: 5 (+7 for it being a homosexual act, -4 for being black, +2 for the inevitable cuddling that would happen afterwards)
2. Claire Kincaid AKA Jill Hennessy
Claire was a goddamn vision of a woman, almost competent (such is the weakness of her sex), beautiful, and stylish. So she let McCoy violate the consecrated temple of her body with his distgusting, twisted appendages now and then. So what? She was beautiful and YOU KILLED HER Jerry Orbach. Your drunken shenanigans forced her to drive you home that cold November night when she was struck head on by a drunk driver and her brains were sent flying through the shattered ruin of the windshield.
Oh well, you are LORD, and I am sure it was part of your divine plan.
Although she is dead and gone, her spirit is not forgotten. I hear Jill Hennessy was in some program called Crossing Jordan, which I think was a reality television show where people would do something to piss Jill Hennessy off and then would have to try to survive her attempts to kill them for the rest of the show. I mean, the premise was sound. I never saw it though.
Claire was the only woman I'll ever really love, but I'm grateful every day for the little time we had together, Thursdays at 8, 1993-1996. Gone, but not forgotten.
Shame Factor: -999 (-1000 FOR I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS I LOVE THIS WOMAN, +1 for being a corpse)
3. Jamie Ross AKA Carey Lowell
I don't remember all that much about Jamie. She wasn't on the show that long, but I guess my most lasting impression was that of a male to female transsexual. They never really went into it all that much in the show, but c'mon, the short haircut, the complete lack of sexual interest in Man-God Jerry Orbach, the name Jaime? I know she was on the show during a less enlightened time in the history of the United States, but they sure laid the subtext on pretty thick. I think by the end of her run we were all expecting her to whip it out and beat McCoy around the head and shoulders a little bit. I sure was.
Or if not a transsexual at least a lesbian. I know Carey's married to Richard Gere, but I'm pretty sure he has a vagina. Or at least a mangina. Same thing.
Shame Factor: 4 (+10 for being born a man, -8 for being made a woman, +2 for still having a penis)
4. Abbie Carmichael AKA Angie Harmon
Abbie is widely considered the "hottest" or "most desirable" of the Assistant District Attorneys through which McCoy has rammed his geriatric member through the long roll of the years.
These Abbie Backers may have a point. After all, who could resist those long bronze legs, that smoky voice, those dark mysterious eyes?
Well I could, that's who! Sure, she was a super babe, but Angie Harmon was on Baywatch Nights. Now, I've never seen Baywatch Nights. Hell, I've never even seen Baywatch original flavor. But I have every confidence in the world that Baywatch Nights sucked, and I defy any person on earth to say otherwise. The kind of people who were fans of Baywatch Nights are like Jesus, or fans of Carson Daily. They exist on paper, but they're not really real.
Haha just kidding. There are people who actually like Carson Daily.
Ha, gotcha again. Seriously, no one likes Carson.
Ok, being serious for a second though, Jesus. You know I love You.
Anyway, Abbie was a conservative on the show, which I guess meant we were supposed to think it was cute when she was FOR the government keeping its hands on her body. Well, I thought it was hot anyway. She was also for brutalizing criminals and keeping large caliber firearms in the hands of children and the elderly. In other words, the perfect woman. Except her voice sounded like someone crammed a pregnant frog with bronchitis down her throat, and then the frog gave birth and all the baby frogs got bronchitis.
In the end, she had the the 'tude, and the politics, but not the heart. She did have the boobs though. And the legs. And the boobs.
Shame Factor: -4 (-6 for being pretty hot; +2 for sounding like Burgess Meredith on two packs a day)
5. Serena Southerlyn AKA Elisabeth Rohm
Serena vas a gud German girl from ze outskirts of Dusseldorf, ya? She fought ze Soviet dogs tooth un nail mit her disease ridden gerbarmutter un her venereal diseases.
Actually, that was the actress who played Serena Southerlyn. Serena herself was, I don't think, ever actually identified as a German girl, but with those sky blue eyes, strong cheekbones, and yellow hair it's not hard to believe she's descended from Hitler's Aryan Ubermensch.
Serena was widely considered the most wooden of the ADAs, and not in the way you're thinking. Her delivery was stilted. She couldn't emote to save her life. I made a diagram to help illustrate my point:
Anyway, she was pretty good looking in a wholesome European girl sort of way, I suppose. And she wasn't as incompetent as Abbie "Slept my way through law school" Carmichael. In her final episode, when Fred Thompson fired her, she blurted out "Is this because I'm a lesbian?" Now, this surprised me because I thought all lesbians had short hair and wore plaid. I think she was just claiming persecuted minority status in order to get some leverage because I am sure zat ze gud German girls are all willing to procreate mit ze gud German boys for ze glory of ze Faderland.
Shame Factor: -1 (-4 for pure Aryan blood, +6 for wooden acting, -3 for making it with a lesbian)
6. Alexandra Borgia AKA Annie Parisse
This feisty brunette from down under was appointed as McCoy's ADA after Southerlyn's lesbian explosion. However, she quickly found herself under intense scrutiny from New York's Bar after...
God, I'm just making all this up. She was only on the show for a year, and I didn't really watch that season, but based on her looks I'm going to say by-the-book professional with a softer side that only a few who are close to her get to see. Very capable, but constantly feels the need to prove herself in a world dominated by a male hierarchy.
Am I right? Who knows. She was gone before we had a chance to really get to know her, brutally beaten and stuffed in a garbage can. (Really, look it up on wikipedia).
Shame Factor: -3? (-5 for being pretty cute, but +2 for being dead)
7. Consuela "Connie" Rubirosa AKA Alana de la Garza
All indications are that Connie Rubirosa is hot, but I have a weird thing about being attracted to Mexican women because I feel like somehow it might be some weird deep seated thing with my Mexican mother, so I try to avoid it where possible. Still, she seems pretty attractive. Objectively.
I think she's a half-breed though, because her large forehead and enormous eyes lead me to believe she's some sort of human-alien hybrid, sent to Earth to seduce men into getting jiggy with it.
Now, in general, I'm a bit iffy about letting minorities into the legal system. Sure, Paul worked out, but he was a man. A big black man. But these Latina/Hispanic/Mexican/Spanish women can get pretty uppity I hear. She's only been on the show a few months, so we'll have to wait and see. We'll just have to wait and see.
Shame Factor: 4 (-3 for being cute, +8 for maybe being some kind of weird Freudian thing with my mother, -1 for having "de la Garza" as a last name)
So, in the end, Claire wins the day.
Praise be unto Jerry Orbach, the Father, Chris Noth the Son, and Sam Waterston the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
posted by Michael at 5:18 PM
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thank JO you're back!
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