The Universe Is Collapsing In On Itself!

I was making my daily rounds on the Internet the other day, when I discovered something shocking, perhaps even earth-shattering. I'm sure you all remember the eighties' favorite nostalgia inducing sitcom, The Wonder Years, starring the irrepressible Fred Savage, who went on to secure a major place in Hollywood stardom, most notably portraying that guy with the really big mole in Austin Powers 3: Goldmember. But I'm not here to talk about Fred Savage. No, instead I'm here to talk about the love of his life, Winnie Cooper. Sure, her head was shaped like a beachball, she had kind of a lazy eye thing going on or something, and the bangs did absolutely nothing for her, but she captured Kevin's heart, and in so doing captivated a nation. So, imagine my surprise when I learned that Danica McKellar, who portrayed Winnie, graduated summa cum laude from UCLA with a major in mathematics, and published a paper entitled "Percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity for ferromagnetic Ashkin–Teller models on Z squard" in the peer reviewed Journal of Physics A: Mathematics and General. I mean, I've only mastered ferromagnets for Devorah-Ackley models, and then only in B squared!

Imagine my further surprise when I found out she looks like this:
This photo brings up two profound, and perhaps troubling, theological implications. First, that there is at least one (1) hot mathematician in the world. This lies in direct contradiction to Thomas Aquinas's principle of Mathematicus Deformis, as laid out in his seminal work, the Summa Theologica. Briefly stated, the principle held that, "in the realms of both Deus (God) and mortal man, never do the qualities of physical comeliness and mathematical genius intermingle. Forsooth, just as cowardice on the field of battle and timidity in the court go hand in hand, mishapiness of form and ability in sums oft find good company. If this principle be violated, and a fair mathematician comes among you, that is a witch, and their blood is upon them."

As far as I know, Danica McKellar is not a witch, so we may have to rethink 800 years of Christian theology.

Secondly, it's now clear that Kevin Arnold made the mistake of his life in allowing Winnie to go off to Paris in the series' ultimate episode. He'll never live that one down.

Is it OK to use semi-colloquial phrases and sayings in professional writing now? If so, color me happy as a clam, because my ship just came in.

I was reading some of Roger Ebert's recent reviews on his website at 2:00 AM this morning, which in and of itself could be the subject of a depressing, soul-searching blotry, focusing on why my life is so empty that I can while away hours reading what a 63 year old fat man thinks of Nacho Libre, while at the same time being terrified of going to sleep, knowing that the next day will only bring more hollow sorrow and torment. But I won't write that blotry. I think I pretty much covered it with that last sentence, actually. Instead, I'll direct your attention to aforementioned Nacho Libre review, in particular the first sentence of the last paragraph, which begins and ends thusly: "I dunno." That's it. I dunno.

Think about that for a minute and I will too.

I dunno. I've used that phrase so many times in AIM conversations that I've lost count, or I would have lost count by now if at some point more than, say, a week ago I had decided to keep a count, which I never have.

But what's so galling about it is that it doesn't mean anything. I dunno. It's just an empty phrase designed to fill dead space. As the great Conan O'Brien once said, to paraphrase, "nobody was saying anything, and someone needed to say something, so I just started saying words." That's I dunno's function. It's just words. They don't really mean anything, but they're designed to comfort, to express uncertainty, doubt, or soften a hard statement. "I think we're seeing too much of each other. We're moving too fast. I dunno." "It's not that I don't want_1_7/103-8465812-5427860?s=books&v=glance&n=283155"target="_blank">Madagascar.

Merci Leno.