Scarlett Johansson is a Goddess and I am her High Priest
Or
Scarlett Johansson's Boobs are so big they crashed her car

Something I've noticed lately is that there are some particularly attractive young women in the so-called moving picture, or movie, if you will, industry. I remember the days when a respectable gentleman could take an early evening constitutional to the local nickelodeon, purchase a moon-pie for 3 pennies, view a news reel on T.R.'s "square deal", and enjoy the latest film starring Myrna Loy or Joan Crawford. The films of that bygone era were as diverse as rainbow sherbet with three, or possibly even four, flavors. But one thing united them: all the actresses were generally unsightly. By this I mean, they were displeasing to the eye, or ugly, in the common vernacular.

I don't actually remember those days, and in fact the faux memories I mentioned probably span a 40 year period, but the point still stands. The young ingenues of the modern film industry are all so attractive I defy any young man to avoid raising his flagpole at the slightest half-cocked eyebrow or curled lip of the latest Hollywood harlot.

Let's examine some of the most notable of Hollywood's young stars. And examine the likelihood I will end up in a long term relationship with them.

1. Scarlett Johansson
The first thing you will be pleased to notice about the young Ms. Johansson is that she is very hot. What you will notice immediately subsequent to this is that her breasts are so large that they are considered a separate state for tax return purposes (note: breasts not prominently featured here; for more on Scarlett's breasts, and the havoc they cause, see here).
Scarlett Johansson has been in a number of notable movies, including 2003's Lost in Translation, In Good Company with Topher Grace and industry veteran Dennis Quaid, and 2002 Academy Award Nominee, Eight Legged Freaks.
Something that's particularly appealing about Johansson is that she doesn't take herself too seriously. On her latest film, The Island, she commented: "I get paid to make out with Ewan McGregor and roll around in bed all day. It's a hard job but someone has to do it." I don't know about you but I'm pretty turned on right now.

Probability of Long-Term Relationship: Extremely High.
She was born in 1984 so we're from the same era. I can only assume she spent her childhood as I spent mine, reenacting GI Joe's climactic assault on Cobra Island, to say nothing of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's daring escape from the Shredder's clutches in that latter day labyrinth of evil, the Technodrome. Another point in my favor is that she apparently finds gentlemen of the Hispanic persuasion attractive; one need look no further for proof of that than reports that she had sex with Benicio del Toro in an elevator.
Sadly, Scarlett is now said to be dating WASP pansy, Jarid Leto. But clearly he isn't much of a boyfriend. Don't expect his mangled corpse to wash up on a beach any time soon, his hands covered in defensive wounds and his mouth agape in a cowardly plea for his life, but, well, don't be surprised if it happens either. Just sayin'.

2. Rachel McAdams
Oh, Rachel McAdams, you're such a cutie pie. I could just eat you up. Looking at her filmography on IMDB.com, I was surprised to see that she's had only had a handful of roles thus far in her career. But what a handful! She was pretty darn hot as a leggy blonde in Mean Girls, sweet as a pea (is that an expression?) in Wedding Crashers, and pretty much kicked Cillian Murphy's ass in Red Eye. Now, Cillian Murphy kicked Batman's ass in Batman Begins, so I think that means Rachel McAdams is a legendary crimefighter. Which is, again, a pretty big turn-on. I'll admit I didn't see The Notebook, in large part because I don't have a vagina and have no wish to acquire one. But I hear there's a twist ending where it turns out Ernest Borgnine is actually a terribly aged Rachel McAdams telling her life story, which I thought sort of strained the limits of credibility.

Probability of Long-Term Relationship: High.

Can you believe that Rachel is pushing 30? That's right, she was born in 1976. Well, love knows no age, and I'm confident Rachel and I can overcome a mere decade's difference. Now, I'll be the first to admit that she'd probably be the dominant one in our relationship. As I just mentioned, she's older, wiser, and more experienced. Moreover, she stabs guys like Cillian Murphy in the throat with pens and then beats them to death with blunt instruments. Since I'm about as physically formidable as Cillian Murphy is (IE not at all), it's a foregone conclusion that she could murder me pretty much at will. Which is ok with me, I mean we've all got to die sometime, and I think Rachel McAdam's sweet face looming over me, blood stained candlestick clutched in one hand, would be a sweet last glimpse of the mortal realm.

3. Natalie Portman

Natalie, Natalie. From the instant I saw you prevent an intergalactic war by capturing the Viceroy of the Trade Federation in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace I knew it was love. I think our relationship only grew deeper as I watched you seduce Zach Braff with your schizophrenic mad-woman routine in Garden State, and cause the rise of the Galactic Empire by dying on Hayden Christiansen in Revenge of the Sith.

Many people don't know that Natalie's first film role was in 1994's Leon. In it, she plays a 13 year-old orphan whose family is murdered by everyone's favorite villain, Gary Oldman, and who is then taken in by everyone's favorite pedophile, French film star Jean Reno. I'm just kidding, the movie isn't actually about pedophilia, it's about a 50 year old hit man and the pubescent girl who loves him. No, it's completely platonic, ok? Jesus. But this is all beside the point. The real question is, do I have a chance with her?

Probability of Long Term Relationship: Very high.

Yes, yes I do. Sure, she's an older woman, but that's water under the bridge. Yes, she's Jewish, but I can convert. Of course, she's bisexual, but I can get a sex ch.....whaaaaat? That's right, it seems as though Natalie Portman may be bisexual. Or at least not quite unisexual. And don't bother to point out that it wouldn't make sense for me to get a sex change even if she were bisexual, I'm already aware of that. I was just going for a little symmetry in my syntax. Anyway, as all my male readers (all 2 of you) can attest, bisexuality is hardly a turn-off. (Not to imply I have a bevy of female readers, all 0 of them know that). Now, some might say Natalie Portman being bisexual would cut my chances in half since I would have to compete with twice as many people. But practically, I think my extensive familiarity with Queen cum Senator Amidala's life and times speaks for itself. And it says: we're gonna be makin' babies real soon.

Hahaha. Cum.

Now, I'm going to be forthright here for a moment. The next two women are OC alumni. But it's a pretty damn fine county I'll have you know, so no complaining!

4. Samaire Armstrong

Stop, stop, I know. There's nothing wrong with a woman showing her stuff. She looks quite good in this particular photo shoot so you can shut your pie hole. Samaire Armstrong is best known for her role as Anna on The OC. She's pretty much the perfect woman. Intelligent, beautiful, and she knows comic books. She even wrote a comic for Seth in attempt to woo him. That she lost out to Wonder Woman was a gross miscarriage of justice. Come back to us, Samaire Armstrong. We need you.

Probability of Long Term Relationship: Equivalent to catching running cards on the turn and the river.
I'm going to be honest with you. Chances are, Anna and I won't be getting married. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but swallow it I must. We all must. I know you're thinking, "but Mike you are so cool and ever so attractive, how could Samaire resist your manly charms?" Wait are you really thinking that? Are you a girl? Or a guy who looks a lot like a girl? (650) 353-1121. But we have to look at reality. She dated Aaron Paul. I don't know who that is, but that name is so biblical he can probably shoot some sort of holy energy rays out of his hands and/or feet. But you never know. I've seen crazier things than running cards in Poker. You've got to put a man to a decision for all of his chips. That's what Doyle taught me. What he didn't teach me was how to pick up women, but you can't have everything.

5. Mischa Barton
Mischa Barton. From the moment I saw you vomiting all over Haley Joel Osmont in The Sixth Sense I knew it was lo... Ok well that's a bit of an exaggeration, but Mischa Barton does indeed vomit in Haley Joel's general direction in that movie. Her early career is also notable for her appearance in Notting Hill, where she is credited as "12 year-old actress." An apt description if I ever heard one.
Mischa Barton is best known for her portrayal of Marissa Cooper on The OC. Now, I've heard people who've called her performance wooden. Those people can kindly go to hell. She kissed another woman on national television! That makes her a goddamn American hero in my book. Oh my penis! (Not a picture of my penis).
Look, Marissa may have had problems, but she's basically a good kid who's trying her best. Sure, she took illegal narcotics in Tijuana, attempted to drive under the influence, and shot a man in the back, but she's basically a good kid.

Probability of Long-Term Relationship: .9~ (Approaches 1).
That's right ladies and gentlemen. It's statistically impossible for Mischa Barton and I not to end up together! Just look at the factors! She was born in 1986, I was born in 1986. Her initials are MB, my initials are MB. She stars in a show called The OC, I live in the OC. Her character stole a watch from South Coast Plaza, and I've bought things from South Coast Plaza. She appeared in The Sixth Sense, I watched and greatly enjoyed The Sixth Sense. You see where this is going? Yeah, that's right. A long term relationship. It's inevitable. She's the sober yin to my sober yin, to paraphrase from The Simpsons. Yes, her rump is as wide as the queens, but she's beautiful! And I'm sure she's lovely on the inside and such and such.

I have to say, overall I'm quite pleased. If you look at the statistics, it's likely I'll be dating multiple movie stars during my lifetime. I have a feeling things are going to be alllll right.

The Wonderful World of Comic Strips

Consider, the comic strip. A rather innocuous component of popular culture. Most people don't spend very much of the day thinking about comic strips. I usually allocate 45 minutes tops. Oh, we're aware they exist all right. And maybe we occasionally crack open the Entertainment section of the newspaper and glance at the things. "Oho," we think, "that Garfield does love his lasagna!" And then we close the paper, reassured that no matter how crazy the world gets, that rat-bastard Garfield is still stealing John's lasagna or beating the crap out of Odie. And then he just sits there with that stupid self-satisfied smirk on his face. Garfield you sick son of a bitch I'll...

But I digress.

Dig a little deeper, and you'll discover that the world of comic strips is a Byzantine power game of money, sex, and lies that goes all the way to the highest levels in this country. The highest levels, gentlemen. Well, actually that's a lie. It's mostly a bunch of forty year old men desperately churning out canned crap that's about as inspired as the dump I took this afternoon. Actually that's a bad analogy because my craps tend to be pretty insightful. But you get the idea.
I decided to go through a few comics from the LA Times and provide some commentary, get to know the comic biz (that's what we call the industry), you know.

So first off, Family Circus.

Family Circus is certainly one of mankind's darkest creations, down there with Nazism, Stalinism, and Ted Turner. Ba-zing. Pretty much every comic features one of those hydracephalic brats saying something "cute." That's it. Every time it's the same garbage. I mean, if the kid says, "Hey, I gotta poop," that could be a comic. Or the wife saying, "Jesus Christ this family is suffocating me I've got to get out of here!" that would work too. They're like slices of life. It's not funny, it's not cute. It's just harrible. Harrible.

What's worse than the whitebread comics are the ethnic comics. Those damn uppity minorities like to combine a total lack of humor with political commentary about as deep as a kiddy pool.

For example, La Cucaracha:

Do you get the funny? Do you get the funny joke?! I haven't seen this topic beaten to death 50,000 times over. You see, you see because the media assumes BLACK people LOOT and WHITE people FIND. This is funny. This is original. I NEVER would have thought to turn it into a comic. Race relations are hilarious.

Or, Boondocks:

Ahhh, hurricane humor! What witty insight! You see, you see the Bush Administration CAUSED a lot of black people to die! That's not just funny, it's hilarious! And it's deep too. I NEVER would have suspected Bush was responsible for killing those people! Of course, the municipal and state governments are free from blame. You are witty, Aaron McGruder. You are so witty.

The only thing worse than liberal ethnic comics are Neanderthal conservative comics written by little white guys with various large objects in their anuses. You know they couldn't name a single Spice Girl if their lives depended on it.

Are you chortling, guffawing, or at the very least chuckling? I sure am. All three. That talking sin against nature, the anthropomorphic Mallard Fillmore, is at it again. Here, he absolutely skewers the Democratic Party by exposing that they're motivated by politics! It's unbelievable how he cuts to the heart of an issue. I bet the author of Mallard Fillmore masturbates to Mallard/Harry Potter slash. Well ok, I guess that is kind of hot.

Finally, the greatest mystery of all, 9 Chickweed Lane. This comic has been in the Times for as long as I can remember, and I still can't figure it out. I think it's an incredibly pretentious comic about young people at some kind of prepatory musical academy, but to be honest I'm not sure. Some of the strips seem to simply make no sense. Like Great Sphinx or the megaliths at Stonehenge, they defy human understanding. For For example, September 10, 2005:


What the hell?